Forget Netflix and Chill. I’ve got a theory: the most effective pre-snogging action is a rousing game of Mario Kart.
There is not nothing wrong with the classic”desire to come over and see a film, pretend to moan and put his arm round you” ploy, but it is a really passive activity, also occasionally my absolute absence of charm requires a bit of assistance. Video games, on the other hand, need interaction–they could be flirty, fun, and bodily, and I have long believed Mario Kart would be the ideal foreplay movie games have to provide (regardless of what my editor believes, it is not Super Smash–but I love the wordplay.)
Now unfortunately, I devised this theory after I had already met my now-wife, so I haven’t been able to thoroughly test it, which means I need you virgins to help me out.
Here’s the thing: everyone grew up playing Mario Kart. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a guy or girl, nerd or jock, gamer or..not a gamer—we all played the crap out of this game, in one of its many forms. Mario Kart is easy to get the hang of, and it’s like riding a bike—you can come back to it after 10 years and let muscle memory kick right in. Challenge someone to a game of Mario Kart, and they’re always down.
So you start racing. Things get a little competitive. One person lightly pushes the other, in that playful “No I’m gonna win!” kind of way. Then the other person leans into you in that way people do when they’re oversteering, even though leaning obviously has no effect on how sharply you turn in the game. Before you know it, you’re making out, clothes are flying off, and you’re “Wahoooo!”-ing right along with Luigi through the finish line.
Every version of Mario Kart has its own little idiosyncrasies that play into this dynamic, too, so no matter what console you have at home, you can make it work—though if you’re lacking in retro consoles, a lot of these were available on the eShop for the Wii, Wii U, and (in one case) the Nintendo Switch as well.
The Classic: Super Mario Kart (Super Nintendo, Wii/Wii U/Switch Virtual Console, SNES Classic)
Super Mario Kart may not be the most well-known of the series, but it was the first, and showed off some of the Super Nintendo’s more high-tech capacities in the moment. Unfortunately, it is also among those less forgiving games from the show, making it less than perfect for our purposes–particularly if your soon-to-be-bedroom friend didn’t really play this one climbing up. I really like that the Super Nintendo, but this match does not make me want to fuck. It’s, but the most commonly available at the moment, with variations on the Wii Virtual Console (in case you have it until the eShop shuttered), Wii U Virtual Console ($7. ) 99), as well as the Nintendo Switch Online support ($4/month or even $ 20/year). Additionally it is on the SNES Classic, if you have one of those retro bad boys lying around.
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The One Everyone Remembers: Mario Kart 64 (Nintendo 64, Wii and Wii U Virtual Console)
The Nintendo 64 isn’t remembered super fondly by gamers these days, but at the time, the N64 was the system, and Mario Kart 64 was one of its most popular games. If you grew up in the 90s, this is the Mario Kart you’re probably most familiar with, and every time I break it out when friends are over, it’s a hit. It might not be the very best in the show , but it is potentially the most nostalgic, particularly for non-gamers inside their 20s and 30s. And while it takes more ability than some current iterations, there is still a relatively low barrier to entry. In reality, despite me being a man who actually plays with video games as part of the occupation, my spouse –a non-gamer–cigarette me in Mario Kart 64 rather frequently. There is no N64 Vintage system yet (come on, Nintendo! ) ) , but it’s about the Wii and Wii U Virtual Console for $10.
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Play Together: Mario Kart Double Dash (GameCube)
Mario Kart Double Dash is the game on this list I have the least experience with, but the few times I’ve played it, I enjoyed its unique approach to an otherwise homogeneous series. Double Dash allows two players to drive in the same kart, with one player steering and another tossing items. So if your beau or belle is not the competitive type, Double Dash allows for truly co-op play, which is a great alternative to the more typical fare in the series. Sadly, it’s only available on the GameCube, with no Virtual Console representation to speak of, so unless you’re a big fan of the system and still have it around—I know you’re out there!—this one may be harder to come by.
Get Physical: Mario Kart Wii (Wii)
Mario Kart Wii is probably the most contentious game on this list. While it’s one of the highest-selling Nintendo games of all time, it’s very much a love-it-or-hate-it game for a lot of people, due in no small part to the absolute chaos of its item system. But like Mario Kart 64, the Wii version is going to tickle the nostalgia bone of a whole lot of people, which is one of the most important factors if you’re trying to loosen up before thumping thighs. The lawless item logic keeps things sufficiently silly, and battle mode also offers room for co-op if competition gets too fierce. Plus, with a couple of Wii Wheels, you introduce even more physicality into the game—all the better for those playful bumps that turn into aggressive cuddling.
Switch It Up: Mario Kart 8 (Wii U, Switch)
connection [de |1841387265[a|B01N1037CV[au|5716509846451982265[b|theinventory[lt|text” rel=”noopener noreferrer”p Mario Kart 8 is the most up-to-date in the series, which suggests it is most likely the easiest to come by in the event that you’ve got a relatively modern system such as the Wii U or Alter. I believe Mario Kart 8 really is a burst, and it holds your hands that anybody can feel as though they’re doing well–an annoyance if you are genuinely competitive, but ideal for casual pre-boinking gameplay. Having said that, my wife does not enjoy this one. She says there is”too much happening,” like it is Mario Kart for the ADD generation (OK boomer). But in case your pillow pal is knowledgeable about the Switch, it is a fairly safe go-to that is easily available.
For Non-Automotive Enthusiasts: Mario Party
Okay, let’s say you aren’t a Mario Kart fan. I get it (well, I don’t get it, but I’ll be polite about it just this once). You have an alternative: literally any Mario Party game ever. According to one Reddit poster that will undoubtedly go down in history as a genius, Mario Party makes for an ideal sex match , as soon as you present a few added rules. (e.g.: If you land on a gloomy area, you simply take a piece of clothing off. In the event you acquire a minigame, then you opt for the sex act performed for the subsequent one moment.) That is much more ideal for couples than that first-time-will-we-or-won’t-we scenario, but its asynchronous character means you can easily alternate between playing and. . .well, playing, building anxiety without disrupting the flow. And like Mario Kart, you’ll find variations for essentially every system. So pop in a copy and be sure that you’re wearing clean underwear, as it is going to return.
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- 1 The Classic: Super Mario Kart (Super Nintendo, Wii/Wii U/Switch Virtual Console, SNES Classic)
- 2 The One Everyone Remembers: Mario Kart 64 (Nintendo 64, Wii and Wii U Virtual Console)
- 3 Play Together: Mario Kart Double Dash (GameCube)
- 4 Get Physical: Mario Kart Wii (Wii)
- 5 Switch It Up: Mario Kart 8 (Wii U, Switch)
- 6 For Non-Automotive Enthusiasts: Mario Party